Life can be a scary thing when ya think about your future, present, and looking back on the past, some things just aren’t that easy to let go. Ya try and strive and remind urself it’s a new day but somehow thoughts like a magnet attract and retract against your brain all day not letting you breathe like a strong wind suffocating you when all u wanted was a breeze praying all day saying Jesus please help me im down on my knees covered in this debris that has fallen on me from all the dirt ive done. You said youd forgive me and I know that’s tru but I cant forgive myself as easy as you want me too. Everywhere I look every step I take my bones are cracking on the virge of a break. All this dirt and sand in my face I cant see where im going I can only envision the place of where I want to be. . Nothing seems to be going my way, I can’t find a significant other to call my own, or even pay my bills to have a phone, and lights are out because I didn’t have the money to pay so now im dirty, lonely, and in darkness on this beautiful day. I’m turning to drugs, drinks, and sex because they make me feel special, or “good” inside but all of those only give me a temporary high… high off of a fake love or happiness that appeals so real and as I turn away my spirit which has been depressed can’t keep back the mental will of my flesh.. is this what they call a stronghold or a connection that needs to be lost, bcuz ive been trying to let it go but seems my flesh is the boss… You said have no other god before you but ya see I half hazardly got 3, 4 that is…Money seems to be of great value, just as drugs, drinks, and sex temporarily, and my concentration is always on those key things. Does this mean that money is my god, is it even possible that a material thing can so easily outphase something huge like the king of all kings, ruler of all rulers, alpha and omega, beginning and the end, first and the last. Or is it that ive gotten so rebellious that my temple has shattered like a glass and no longer exists because of sins I refused to resist. Could any of these things have such a huge affect as such to tune out the voice that once to me meant so much. Everytime I go through a hard trial or issue in my life a song pops in my head from lets say a rapper, or soul singer everyone knows. Instead of seeking you I seek out that song to get my answer and make me feel better once again.. so is music my god now, am I committing a sin, all these things are what I question within. Because I have a baby as a teen does this mean I don’t regard anyone elses feelings but my own, to not even consider the rule given by God on his throne. Walking through school or a mall or public place. People stare and see the disgrace upon my face and now im wishing I hadn’t made that step this is what we call regret. Yet, on the other hand im a teen I kno im pregnant too, I cant care for this child so I did what I had to do..yeah, an abortion sounds harsh but I didn’t have a choice…. Or did i?
Now when I tell ppl my story its like im a killer. Should I have had this child and gave it up for adoption, am I wrong for even making abortion an option? People look down on me because of my secrets ive revealed but now I wish ida had this child and the damage let God heal. I tell myself that on the inside but beneath all this debris I cant seem to see, or get to where I want to be. Suicidal thoughts have been filling my mind because of hurt built up over time. No one seems to care or even understand the pain I feel being a woman or man. Because of my sex and pride I’m forced to keep things inside..So am I wrong for being a pimp, am I wrong for being a slut, am I wrong for resenting the heterosexual lifestyle is it wrong that im even here… I cant even continue this line because the list goes on forever.. But long story short… when you approach these obstacles does what I wrote make sense, is it that you’ve fired God from your number one on the list because flesh became your boss, or is it that your temple has shattered like an untempered glass that you refused to fix all because of a sin that you refused to resist…
P.S. None of this is about me
No comments:
Post a Comment